Get this trash out of your attic and become a Halloween God!
Halloween is almost upon us, and nothing will be scarier than what 2020 has doled out once. This time the simple routine of maneuver or plowing is a viral minefield, and as such parties are making adjustments on how they plan to celebrate the holiday.
Canada, purveyors of Letterkenny and pocketed milk provided one road to get around the problem, but it’s a little, shall “theyre saying”, indelicate.
On Halloween Sampson and the mayor demonstrate how people can use a tube to hand out candy pic.twitter.com/ CrPMlGhN4l
— Jeff Slack (@ Jeffslack6 60) October 6, 2020
Don’t get me wrong, this is a functional and sensible way to deliver candy to children. This is the kind of ruthless efficiency we can expect from Canada. But this is America. We do things big. We do things dumb. We can do things better.
It’s here we satisfy the perfect organization in the Venn diagram. On the left is a need for more plays, on the right is being safe during Covid, and in the gooey chocolatey centre we have a solution to all our problems, likely sitting outside your garage or attic.
First, a rejection — because I’ve been told we need such things. I have not personally tried or tested any of the methods I am about to lay out. Instead I’m use suspicion and ability to apply what I call a “Spooktactular” rating, which is basically really a merriment mode to re-brand potentially injuring children with your Halloween hijinx. Nobody wants to think of hurt boys during a merriment anniversary, so “Spooktacular” is how we’ll rebrand this. Personally, I don’t recommend trying anything above a rating of six, or so — but live the very best life.
Spooktacular rating: 1
This is really more for you than the minors. The best part: It requires no equipment. Basically you shoot the candy like you’re Steph Curry, and the kids try to catch it in their pails and pillow cases.
We all need confidence boosters right now, and this one is genius. The children have a vested interest in catching the candy and not coming stick with soiled dirt treats, and you want to feel like you’re an NBA legend. It’s a win-win. As you shoot they’ll naturally try to move into position to catch the candy, allowing you to social length and feel like an NBA star.
Spooktactular rating: 3-7
You’re hitting candy with a tennis fus at minors. That’s it. That’s the general thesis here. However, the ogre is in the details and there’s a ton of variance now. You can make this as gentle as you see fit — which also allows you to tailor your Halloween experience for the maneuver or treater.
For example, an adorable child comes to your entrance garmented as one of the Paw Patrol( except Chase, because that police pup is the feds ). You can simply underhand tos a got a couple of pieces of Laffy Taffy to their mirth and delight.
Then a teenager, without a costume, who has no business participating in the festivity because they’re old enough to have a job and buy their own damn candy, comes slapping at your doorway. At first they think you’re charitable bringing out a large bowl of full-size candy tables, then BOOM you’re Pete Sampras serve a Payday at the mooching teenage. It sends a valued instruction, and it’s fun … for you.
This one really depends on your tennis science. If Pete Sampras is reading this then I admonish Pete not actually dish a Payday at a boy.
Spooktacular rating: 5
This requires a little setup, but I believe in you. If you’re a soccer-minded candy giver then spend the next few days establishing 5-6 papier-mache soccer balls full of candy. Think ball-sized pinatas. Then, wait for a gang and PK them off your foyer in a meet blowup of candy.
So why does this seemingly innocent way of sugar spread carry a high risk rating? It’s all about ball construction. There’s a big variety in how you do papier mache, and too much glue, or internal structure and you’re basically kicking a loaded soccer ball into a child’s face.
Spooktacular Rating: 9
Okay , now we’re intersection into the realm of pure jeopardy, so I don’t endorse this one. Thankfully it takes a lot of money and setup, so I’m confident you won’t do this.
Batter Up has two basic elements:
A pitching machine. Giant gobstoppers.
You load the giant gobstoppers into the sloping machine, and shell them into the crowd. This is an extremely bad feeling, and I don’t actually know if a pitching machine can fire monstrous gobstoppers, but these are unnecessary details in the gloriou scheme of things. In knowledge, if this doesn’t work it’s probably for the best — because it will decrease the velocity of the gobstopper or shatter it into a million pieces.
Less chance of trauma that way.
Entertaining With Darts
Spooktacular Rating: 7
This works best if you have a tree near your porch. You fill a series of bags with candy, fasten them to the tree and have children stand under it. Then, exploiting a carefully placed missile pitch, you thrust the bag, making a sugar shower to rain down on the jovial costumed kids.
The danger rating here is well gave, because most people are really bad at hurls. There’s a good chance you will throw low-pitched and send a dart at a costumed kid. That’s the risk they have to assume when smacking on strangers’ houses for sugar though. So we’ll allow it.
A Randy Johnson Halloween
Spooktacular Rating: 6
Another that requires a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Firstly you need to dress like Randy Johnson. Then you need to imagine what Randy Johnson would look like if he was trying to be Edgar Allen Poe for Halloween.
From there the rest is fairly easy. Make a troop of candy-filled papier-mache ravens, fasten them to lassoes and have them swing down in front of you. Then try to destroy them with a fastball, stimulating a candy eruption for the little ones. They’ll desired it( and probably scream ), you’ll feel like an MLB Hall of Famer — it’s a winning, win all around.
Spooktacular Rating: 10+
Ever seen people play Jai Alai? It’s simultaneously the most incredible and panicking thing on earth. Anyway, in order to play Jai Alai you need one of these.
Photo by Cedric Vlemmings/ Icon Sport via Getty Images
This is a cesta, a dollop used to hurl the pelota( missile) at outlandish rush. In Jai Alai this represents the missile can travel up to 175 mph — now we just need to transpose this over to candy.
Yes, it’s a terrifying theory. Thankfully the decision to hurl candy at frighteningly frightening speed is certainly in the hands of the adult. For each group of trick or treaters you can tailor its own experience, much like the idea of “Wimbledon.” If it’s a cute group of minors you can underhand throw a scoop full or Nerds. A threat group of teens can get a nice, healthy apple — at high speed.
I don’t know where you get a cesta from, but you’ve got to admit it “wouldve been” fun.
Medieval Trick or Treat
Spooktactular Rating: 5
This is the best method if you’re truly worried about social distancing. It compels God-tier woodworking knowledge, because yes, I’m asking you to build a trebuchet in your backyard.
I don’t know how difficult this is. Probably relatively — but the end result is that you own a trebuchet, and that’s pretty wonderful in its own right. Anyway, you measure flame from your quality and get an idea of where it will moor, fine-tuning the trebuchet to shore in a nearby ballpark. Then you set up a open planned and upright it to your vicinity. Girls can wait in the park while you propel a literal ton of candy into the sky to rain down on them.
They have a blast living a scene out of a movie where it sprinkles gives like Cloudy with an opportunity of Meatballs, while you get to be completely protected a mile away.
The Hockey Stop
Spooktacular Rating: 3
Everyone does the ho-hum candy delivery technique on Halloween. Sure, it’s a classic — but what if you took it to a different level. Instead of causing candy, you hand out snow cones. Set up a small stand with cones and spices, then skate around a rink you’ve set up in your front ground, get rehearsal and enjoying yourself. When some boys come by you skate, hockey stop in front of them, sending a plume of shaved frost instantly at them.
It’s on the kids to catch as much of the sparkler as is practicable in their cones, then they can make it their own with lots of fun flavors. It’s unexpected. It’s fascinating. You’ll do remembers, and that’s what Halloween is about.
But perhaps … don’t do any of these.
Look, we’re coming up with some stupid ideas to cope with a very serious and soul-crushing scenario during the most difficult year in any of our lives. We’re staring down the reality that the best move is to cancel a traditional Halloween all together for the safety of the society. Covid sucks. This time sucks. It goes without saying that this year will be burned in our storage for a long time.
My actual, honest suggestion: I have a three-year-old daughter who was humiliated when I told her we wouldn’t be going around to trick or consider. She affection Halloween so much. Instead my bride and I plan to dress up in various clothings and claim a bedroom is a house, and have her knock on the door so we can still sacrifice her candy and cause her knowledge the holiday.
Stay safe everyone. Happy Halloween.
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